Featured Fetish – Balloons? Really? Huh. Ok. Balloons!
Well, let’s hear it for the indomitable human spirit. Guess what I found, rummaging around the Quips & Chains VOD Theater? I saw a category, not a movie, an entire category in the porn menu. That category was simple entitled, Balloon. “Balloon?” I said aloud. I rubbed my eyes, did a couple deep knee bends to get the blood pumping, and jar loose whatever dementia inducing debris was obscructing my thinkanator. I looked back at the screen, and there it was. Right there snuggled between Babysitters , and Basement Bondage (Hi Mom. Love the new job.). One word, one mystery. Balloon. Hmmm. Now I’m a man who can’t leave a door unopened, a medicine cabinet unpilfered, or a desk drawer unransacked. I figured it was a euphemism for some unspeakable horror, a fringe element need to get off. There’s a few things that the old Whip w/ the Quips needn’t revisit. I’ll get to them eventually, once I cover everything that gives me a tingle. Don’t get me started on the Dark that lurketh on the bleeding edge of Fetish. Eepy-Cray. Stuff that’s so Abysmal that it’ll give you the bends. Ok. Let’s turn the lights on.
So the insanely huge VOD Theater, the shark to Quips & Chains ramora, has a category called balloon. I couldn’t imagine anything. I had no idea how this could be porn. I clicked it. There it was. 73 videos of girls blowing up, bouncing on, or popping balloons. It was like finding a little, fluffy, bunny rabbit. These videos were so cute, innocent and pure, that I felt like I had taken Ecstasy, instead of ibuprofen. With eyes a-glisten, like a newborn doe in the morning sun, I give you, A bunch of Naked Girls. Goddamn it, I love this country. I need a tissue. You don’t need a German dwarf getting beaten with a fan belt. Fetish porn needn’t be like watching the The Passion of the Christ. You can watch naked girls playing with balloons. It’ll feel like going to church. You’ll feel good about yourself.
“What are you watching, son?”
“Just some naked girls playing with balloons.”
“Oh, you!”
A big thank you must be given to GENIUS COMEDIENNE Jennifer Dziura, whose bottom graces the picture at the beginning of this opus. Listen to her material, then puncture your eardrums with a kabob skewer, for you needn’t have need of them again. You’ve already heard the funniest material of all. (there.)
