This was originally published in the Seattle Stranger. It is one of the columns written by Mistress Matisse.
MORE PHONE CALLS (I WISH I’D GET) – Mistress Matisse
Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Yeah, hi, is this the dominatrix?
Me: Ye-es… can I help you with something?
Caller: Yeah, I need your help. See, I said something I shouldn’t have—on the radio. I need to make some kind of big gesture of humility or my career is over.
Me: Are you, by chance, a talk-radio personality who wears a cowboy hat?
Caller: Oh, you recognize my voice? Look, it was just a remark—I didn’t think everyone would take it so seriously.
Me: I bet you didn’t. What exactly do you want from me, given that I’m in what some people would call the “ho” category?
Caller: Well, if it weren’t for YouTube, this wouldn’t have been as bad for me—everyone getting to watch me over and over again and all. So how about we video you doing some kind of punishment to me, like as penance, and upload it to the web?
Me: You know, this might work better if you asked a black dominatrix.
Caller: Let’s not go overboard. I’m not that sorry.
Me: I see…. Yeah, I could do something appropriately humiliating for you, Mr. Imus.
Caller: I don’t want it to hurt too much.
Me: Don’t worry, it won’t hurt me a bit. Just make sure you get a tetanus shot, don’t wear any alcohol-based products on your skin, and write down the address of where you’d like to be delivered—I mean, driven home—after the scene.
Caller: Um, okay. How soon can you see me?
Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: I saw your pictures online, they’re hot. Do you have a pay site I can subscribe to?
Me: No. How come my Caller ID says “A. Gonzalez, U.S. Department of Justice”?
Caller: Uh… I’m just using his phone. Really. I’m, um, the cleaning guy. Yeah.
Me: Mmm-hmm, sure you are. Don’t you look at enough porn as it is?
Caller: I used to, but George and Dick and Karl kicked me out of the secure peer-swapping network and now all I can get is the free samples. I was hoping you’d let me send you an anonymous money order.
Me: No.
Caller: How about dirty panties? Do you sell those?
Me: Only if you send me a picture of yourself wearing them.
Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Mistress? It’s me, John.
Me: John! How sweet, I haven’t heard from you for a while. I thought you’d be too busy with the presidential campaign to call me.
Caller: Well, I am busy. But… Mistress, I need to feel pretty.
Me: You are pretty, John.
Caller: Am I very pretty?
Me: Very pretty. And when you come see me, I’ll dress you up in my lingerie and we’ll comb your hair and you’ll be even prettier.
Caller: Am I prettier than Barack?
Me: I think you are.
Caller: Am I prettier than Hillary?
Me: Definitely.
Caller: Can I come see you tomorrow?
